1. feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
These past two months that I’ve spent living in the dorms, eating shitty food, feeling the pounds come on my body, and dealing with unbelievable amounts of stress have honestly been the happiest times of my life.
Three months ago if I had been going through all of this I’m pretty sure I would be relapsing into depression and going back through therapy of some sort.
But since I broke up with my boyfriend, joined a sorority, and am really focusing on myself and my well being; I have never been happier.
The point of this post is not to justify why I broke up with Bill, but to tell my story. Because it is something I kept to myself for far too long and I’m awful tired of the shit storms coming my way.
Bill was someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, honestly. I pictured kids, a future, and growing old together with this man. I know it all sounds so typical, but it’s true. We talked a lot about our future and where we would be in ten, twenty, even thirty years. And the closer I came to going to school, the scarier it all became to me. This is a time in everyone’s life where they need to focus on who they are and live a little. (and by that I mean network and meet new people/friends)
But, before school and before all this I was put through hell. Hell that I would blame myself for and end up apologizing to him about. Sure, Bill did romantic gestures and said all the right things. But I can tell you one thing, he didn’t treat me right. For starters he was very handsy, in an almost extremely uncomfortable way. He would do too many ass/vag gropes in public and other things of that nature. On our past trip together to Canada (With my family) he was mad because my mom wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed and he became aggravated because we couldn’t be sexual. He felt the need to be protective of what was his (but not in a cute way). He also had many double standards. He was allowed to go out and party with his boys, but however I was not with my girls. (which I will talk about in a later blog post) There were double standards about drinking, hanging with friends/parties, smoking, and even our families.
Second off, the way he spoke to me was demeaning. He constantly put me down and tried to make me feel as though my problems where worthless. Time and time again when I would try to talk to him he would just make it about himself. Tell me how I have it easy, and then go off about his issues or other people’s issues. One example I love to tell is this:
It was the first week of me being at UNT. They call it “First Flight”, it’s basically like a second orientation. It’s meant to meet new people, learn your way around campus, and take workshops that interest you. I was struggling with making friends, since I live by myself and my suit mate has no interest in being my friend (trust me I tried). So, of course I called Bill (the one I SHOULD be able to talk to for support). He told me that I should have stayed home with everyone else. He said I made a mistake going to a university. He told me about all the fun he was having and how if I was at NCTC with him things would have been better. And he basically continued to talk about how I put myself if the shit hole I was sitting in.
Isn’t he great.
Then when I told him about my decision to rush he didn’t want to talk to me. He told me that a sorority would take me away from him, and that wasn’t fair. He said that he never wanted to hear about anything dealing with rush/recruitment or joining a sorority. He said I would have to lie whenever I was doing something Greek related. AND that I was forbidden to do anything with another fraternity. And when it came to pref night and I had to decide what sorority I wanted to stand for and be apart of, I called him to talk it out. I told him all about Chi Omega and everything I loved about it. He wikipedia searched it and told me it was a unchristian chapter. He said “oh the owl, sign of the devil”. ”Red and yellow, signs of flames, which means hell”. “Skull and cross bones, clearly death”. And then I went over to his house that night and he was mad because it took me so long to drive over there. He then told me how his mom called me a devil worshiper and never wanted me in their home again.
On top of all of that bull shit he told me that I should try to pursue a lot less demanding of a job. He said I should try to be something more feminine, like a nurse. When he knows how badly I aspire to be a doctor. He also told me time and time again how much of a better Christian he is. How our family would have to attend a nondenominational church and I had no say in that, because he was a better Christian. He said that in our marriage he would have to make more money than me, or it wouldn’t work out. He would have to be the provider and that it was a “man’s” job to be the leader.
Yes, I agree. The man should lead. But here’s the thing, when I was growing up my dad got a 50% pay cut and my mom made more than him for quite a while. BUT, my father was still the leader and provider. He was a man I looked up to growing up for being strong and ALWAYS supporting my mother.
My parent’s marriage is something I really look up to. It is something I hope to find one day with someone (who knows when, to be honest). But after two and half years, I know it isn’t with Bill.