The life I have been living and road I have been traveling along has taken me to places I can only dream about. I do and see things that are unexpected. But, is this my right path or have I drifted off to a dirt road with a dead end?
Over the past year I have made friends and experienced new things. These people and these experiences I have had, have changed my life; I wouldn’t change anything if I had the option to. I love my friends and I love everything I have done and learned from. But I believe there is a fine line between recreational and abuse.
Last night, there were at least three mirrors in the room, and every time I caught a glance of myself I would just stare and begin to drift into thought. Who was I? Is that really me? I love these people, but do they not see my weakness? Do they not all see how much I hate myself? Is my sadness really that well disguised? I would look at myself and think until someone would call my name or start to talk to me.
Last night, and I strongly believe this, was a night of abuse. A night I wanted to not think or remember. Maybe it’s a coping thing; I’ve come to the decision that it is a coping method. My mind knew that I wouldn’t think of everything that was slipping from me in reality last night. The feeling in my stomach I get when I realized how I abused and hate everything that is happening makes me want to throw up.
Before last night, I had come home from a trip with the theatre kids. The convention was amazing I had such a great time and was going to nationals! I was ecstatic and nothing could change that! Until my mother sat next to me to talk. I thought when she said she had to tell me something it would be something like “we saw people come over when we were gone and your grounded” or “you need to clean up before the family comes into town”.. And how I just wish it was those exact words she told me. But it wasn’t..it was far, far worse.
My mother told me that on thursday she found a mass on her neck. And friday her and my dad went to the doctors. My mom has a tumor in her thyroid. I went cold when she said this. I felt like everything in my body disappeared.My organs and bones and blood..all gone. I was just empty and cold. My mom told me that after scans they found out how big it was.. of course it’s big. My mothers tumor is deviating into her trachea (windpipe) Basically that means it is pushing on her trachea and making it move and become tight.
She gets her tumor and thyroid removed on wednesday. The doctors wont know until they open her up how bad things are and if it is cancerous or not. My mom is really trying to baby things for me, and tell me how there is a great prognosis and how everything will be just fine. But I’m not dumb. The tumor is big, it’s pushing into her wind pipe. And if it’s started to grow on and into her trachea they wont be able to remove it all. And if it’s cancerous she will go under a simple cancer treatment. But if it is really bad and stage 3 or 4 she will go under chemo.
I think what I did last night has to be a coping mechanism. Because I usually am very recreational and just have fun with my friends. But last night was so different. Things in my world are weird. And Bill, haven’t seen him sense thursday. I need stability and comfort. But I can’t just ask my mother to do that. I can ask the women who raised me to comfort me and tell me everything will be fine. Because the women who loves and cares for me has a fucking tumor.
There’s a hell of a lot of Angels in this shot so I’ll name the ones you can see properly:
Far Left: Hana Soukupova.
Middle: Heather Marks and Oluchi Onweagba.
Far Right: Flavia De Oliveira.
HONESTLY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE TO ME AND NICE TO EVERY BODY FUCKING ELSE.
I FOLLOW BACK 1OO%
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